If you read this- it's your lucky day! You get to listen to me whine, and complain, and feel sorry for myself. I kept putting off coming to my blog, because I don't want this to negative. But- I can't stand it anymore. I have no one else to tell. So- I'll my blog and anyone who decides to read it.
I am sick to my stomach over this wait. I don't understand why my journey to have another child has been so difficult and full of pain. I try so hard to be calm and patient, and I can't do it anymore. So- I'm trying to type this with tears running down my face and my bottom lip quivering. I have not cried about any of this since we sent in the application to our agency to start the process. Well- thats been over a year now, I'm really not that much closer now, than I was then.
I will love my child no matter who they are, or where they come from. Which is why I'd like to submit a medical checklist to the SN program. My husband won't have anything to do with it. He won't even look into it. He just keeps saying stuff like why would you ask for a kid with problems? I'll tell you why!I can take wonderful care of a kid with problems, because I will love a kid with problems. All kids have problems! All adults have problems. It makes no difference if they are diagnosed or not!!
I feel that I have let Andy down so much with this whole baby thing.I have let myself down also. I feel like I have no control over any part of it. I can't make my body function properly, I can't speed up wait times in China, I can't pick a child up off the street! I can't make any descions because Andy won't let me. He gets to make all the decsions. It doesn't matter if it is about how much money to spend on something, what child to adopt, or if we get a pet. Everything is up to him. It's driving me crazy. I feel like I'm losing part of me. That I don't want to do. I just want all the hurt to stop.
Please don't get me wrong. I'm married to a great guy. He has his faults, but doesn't everyone. I just can't stand this controlling side of him. This is just a vent, please don't judge him,on me feeling sorry for myself.Sigh---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Maybe next time I'll have better things to say. Right now I'm exhausted, and just drained. Thanks for listening.